Piles of Money™: The Miracle Cure for the American Condition

Are you sad? Are you lonely? Has life been kicking you in the teeth with its relentless, godless grind?

Well, friend, have you considered… Piles of Money™?

Yes, that’s right. Piles. Of. Money.

Stacks so high they blot out the sun. So dense they distort time. So fragrant they turn your existential dread into the sweet musk of security. Whether you’re battling heartbreak, bankruptcy, or an illness, Piles of Money™ has your back.

Clinical Trials Suggest:

• Depressed? Take a private jet to Bali.
• Lonely? Turns out affection is cheap when you’ve got liquidity. Ask any tech bro.
• Illness? America’s best medicine is reserved for those with the deepest cushions.
• Lack of purpose? Launch a startup, fund a foundation, or just collect art until the void inside feels adequate.

Side Effects May Include:

• Disconnection from reality
• Estrangement from loved ones
• Compulsive buying
• Illusions of immortality
• Unshakeable confidence that your success is purely meritocratic

But don’t worry—more money always helps.